As a child, I vividly remember sitting in my fourth-grade classroom while my teacher assured us there were two things in life which were impossible to do too much of: one was reading, the other was eating vegetables. I can't prove one way or the other whether it is possible to read too much, although I suppose if that's all you did every day you would reach a point of excessivity. I can, however, say with certainty that it is possible to eat too many vegetables.
I wasn't sure whether I actually wanted to share my story here. I tend to be a very self-conscious person, and I'm sure sharing my journey leaves me vulnerable to judgement. But I decided to write this post for two reasons. First of all, this is a big part of how I got to where I am today, and I want our readers to know us fully. Many people who know me know some part of my medical issues, but you probably know my dad's version, or my sister's, or some half-baked explanation I told you because the whole story is far too long to explain. And even if you haven't been filled in, it's obvious that I don't look healthy, and I'm sure some of you have come to your own conclusions and assumptions. Ultimately, this is my story to tell, so I want you to hear it from me.
Secondly, I've always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. God gave me this burden to carry for a reason, and if I can help even one person who is struggling with their own burden by telling my story, then it's worth it. As I write this, I am still in the thick of my health issues, so I am right there alongside anyone who is reading this who has days where it feels like there's no end in sight. We all struggle with something, so I hope that by inviting you to join me on my road to recovery you may also find healing, whether in mind, body, soul, or all three.
I never intended to lose weight. I was never particularly concerned with how I looked, or what I ate. I grew up loving all things baking (and subsequently, all things sugar), and was more than happy to survive solely off of junk food. As a freshman in high school, I decided to become vegetarian after watching a series of disturbing videos about meat production in my AP Human Geography class. People would often comment how much they admired my ability to abstain from meat, which made me chuckle. I would eat meat when my mom prepared it because that's just what we were having, but meat was never something I particularly enjoyed. If it was gummy bears or ice cream I'd had to give up, that would be a different story. Not eating meat, however, meant snack food became an even greater part of my diet, and for the next four years the message was constant from my family that I needed to eat more protein.
Then, March 2020 rolled around, and COVID hit. As the week off of school turned into wo, and then a month, and suddenly the entire rest of my senior year of high school was down the drain, I was longing for community. When USC announced that the 2020-2021 school year would be conducted remotely, months of anticipation for my freshman year of college were thwarted. My dreams of living in the dorms where everyone left their doors open so their neighbors could drop in, of creating unbreakable friendships with castmates in plays, of impressing fellow Trojans in the dining hallswith my endless knowledge of Disney and uncanny ability to re-enact any TV show, were replaced by the nightmare of talking to blank Zoom screens while surrounded by a lifeless collection of stuffed animals. So, when a Bible Study Leader from the university's Catholic Center reached out to me at the beginning of the semester, I was desperate for any kind of connection with my peers.
I was baptised as a Catholic and went to church religiously until age five, but then my parents started their own business and church on Sundays was replaced by waking up at 5 A.M. to set up events around town. I remained spiritual throughout my childhood, but I was never a particularly religious person. Friends would talk about favorite Bible stories, and I'd nod along and smile, ashamed that the only story I knew was the Christmas story. When I decided to join Kathy's* Bible Study, it really had nothing to do with my desire to grow in my faith, I was purely looking for a connection with other students. (I want to pause real quick to say that this post is IN NO WAY an attempt to promote religion, this is just an important part of the story of how I got to where I am now...keep reading!) But Kathy was a really good Bible Study leader, and I began to find comfort in faith during a time when there was little comfort to be had. I started to actually want to go to mass on Sundays; I felt a strong desire to live a more Christian life.
For me, a big part of being religious was learning how to be a better person and live the way God created me to live. I was really motivated to grow closer to God, so when Ash Wednesday of 2021 was approaching, I wanted to think of something to give up for Lent that was going to be a real challenge. I'd always done Lent in the past, but chosen something to give up that was more of an inconvenience than a challenge. For example, the year before I'd given up video games, although the only video game I ever played was a number puzzle app on my cell phone that I maybe opened once a week. I spent a while brainstorming what I could give up that would be really impactful. Meanwhile, being at home 24/7 I was pretty much constantly eating junk food, despite lectures from my parents about what a bad habit always being in the cabinet was. "But you only live once," I kept thinking to myself, so you might as well eat what you want while you can. But then I learned in Bible Study one week that gluttony was one of the seven deadly sins. Our bodies are supposed to be a temple for the Holy Spirit, the Bible says. That's when the idea came to me: If I really wanted to become closer to God, why not go all in, do the most challenging thing I could think of for Lent: I'd give up processed foods. Quit cold turkey for 40 days, it would certainly be one of the least fun things I'd ever done. But Jesus survived in the desert for 40 days, I could certainly survive without Goldfish crackers and Sour Patch Kids. I tried to think of excuses of why I shouldn't give up something so drastic, but in my heart I felt like this would be the perfect way to prove my new commitment to God.
So, Ash Wednesday of 2021 arrived, and it was time to start my new challenge. It was not easy in the least, I remember by day three or four I couldn't believe that time was going so slowly. But I did start to get used to my new diet, and although I missed my favorite sweets, I also developed a newfound love for a lot of foods. I learned that Greek yogurt makes a delightful snack, that mixing quinoa with some peanut butter and maple syrup and popping it into the oven creates something akin to a dessert, that roasted chickpeas are just as good as potato chips, that I genuinely enjoyed eating celery sticks and baby carrots. I had always loved baking and cooking, and trying out new recipes became a favorite way to fill my mounds of free time.
The problem was that, despite all the new foods I was discovering, processed foods used to make up a huge portion of my diet. Especially during COVID, I would graze on snacks from the cabinet all day; I was used to eating smaller meals and filling up on snacks. But now, I was snacking on fruits and vegetables rather than sugar cereal and cookies. I didn't realize at first that I probably wasn't eating enough. In fact, by replacing the junk food in my day-to-day with nutritious foods, I initially felt better than I had in a long time. Before, I often had severe upset stomachs from things I ate, and I felt tired and low-energy a lot, which my parents attributed to protein deficiency. I hated to admit that it seemed they were right, as my body just generally felt happier. But soon I did start to notice that I felt like I was running out of things to eat in the day. I started trying out foods I used to be adamately opposed to: things like nuts, avocado, protein powder, to give myself more options. Meanwhile, when I missed my favorite foods, I focused on seeking fulfillment from prayer, generosity, interaction with the people I loved. I felt genuinely that I was growing closer to God, accepting a little bit of suffering in order to make room for the virtues I desired.
Still, it didn't seem like my eating habits had changed too much; I even remember one time I was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of roasted chickpeas when my dad came downstairs and scolded me for constantly eating (probably the last time he'll ever comment about me eating too much), the same as had always been before Lent started. Nevertheless, it's crazy how fast our bodies get used to changes. Without my knowing it, my stomach was adapting to the changes in what I was eating, getting used to smaller portion sizes and filling up on fruits and vegetables rather than candy and crackers.
Shortly before the end of Lent, I went to the pediatrician for my annual check-up. It turned out I had lost weight since my last visit. It wasn't much, but I had always been on the low end of weight, so it was enough to push me into the "underweight" category.** I can't believe this now, but at the time when my doctor told me I needed to gain some weight I thought that was pretty cool. My entire life every well-child visit consisted of reminders about eating 5 servings of fruit and vegetables every day and limiting snacks and sugar. But this time, when I told my doctor that I was abstaining from processed foods, she said it was good that Lent was over soon and that she hoped I'd eat lots and lots of Easter candy. Wow, I thought, a medical professional is actually TELLING me to eat candy?! When Lent was over, I could eat whatever I wanted, doctor's orders. This was going to be fun.
Finally, Easter came! It wasn't that I was going to completely give up on eating healthy and taking care of my body, I still planned to eat more fruits, vegetables, and protein than I previously had, but I was excited to be able to enjoy snack foods alongside these. I stayed up until the wee hours of the night that Saturday, baking every kind of treat I could think of, and on Easter morning was double-fisting sugar cookies the second we got home from church. In addition to the copious amounts of candy the Easter Bunny left, I convinced my parents to buy some of my favorite "special" foods we rarely had around the house in order to help me gain weight: chocolate milk, sugar cereal, packaged cookies.
But I noticed that, strangely, eating a lot seemed much more difficult than it used to. I hadn't noticed as much when I wasn't eating the foods I normally did, but now a handful of jelly beans made me feel like I'd eaten an entire bag, or one slice of pizza felt like three. Furthermore, some of the foods I used to enjoy were suddenly a lot less appealing to me. To be fair, some preferences were replaced by other foods; for example, I used to think pretzels were the most boring snack in the world but I loved potato chips, now I found chips flavorless but always wanted pretzels around the house. I thought some of these things were strange, but for the most part, I stopped giving much thought to what I was eating. I had developed a newfound passion for cooking, so from that aspect I was putting more thought into making myself meals rather than just grabbing whatever I could find in the fridge, but otherwise I felt like I was eating normally: what I wanted, when I wanted it.
What I wish my doctor had told me was that gaining weight isn't as simple as just going back to eating processed foods. I assumed once I was back to eating what I used to, I'd naturally be able to gain a few pounds. But as time went on, people started making strange comments to me, asking if I was okay or saying I looked too thin. I started to become increasingly self conscious when, at my 18th birthday party, my then-4-year-old cousin kept talking about how I had bony shoulders. I hadn't at first been aware of this gradual change in my body, but I started to realize that these people were right. Sometimes, these comments would freak me out and I would conclude that I needed to eat even more. But I wasn't extremely concerned; my weight couldn't be that much different than it was at my doctor's appointment a couple months prior. It's not like I wasn't eating. I truly believed that I was on track to gain the weight back over time, I wasn't urgently concerned.
Close to the end of the summer of 2021, my mom invited me to go on a walk with her. We had made a habit of going for walks together nearly every day together, but this time I could tell she had an agenda. She told me that she was worried about me; I looked skinnier than I ever had in my life, including the time I lost nearly all my muscle mass after a spinal fusion surgery. We didn't own a scale and I hadn't been back to the doctor since that March, so we didn't really have any idea how much I weighed, but she guessed I would be surprised how low my weight was. I was about to go off to college, and she was afraid of something happening to me. She told me that she had two cousins who had gone through eating disorders when they were younger; one of them spent months in the hospital and had to take time off of school. She didn't want me to end up missing out on school, or worse, jepordize my health. I immediately felt bad for worrying her: did she think I was intentionally trying to lose weight? I I assured her that I really never wanted to lose weight, and she said she believed me, but something needed to change.
I want to pause for another moment to briefly address the subject of eating disorders. At the time, I was extremely self-conscious about anyone thinking I had an eating disorder. I knew next to nothing about them, but I am ashamed to admit I bought into the negative stigma in society surrounding anorexia and bulimia. However, in doing extensive research on weight restoration during my journey, I have learned that anorexia and bulimia are real illnesses caused by a variety of factors, including genetics. People don't choose to have eating disorders, and we need to work towards removing this belief from the public narrative. What I have learned is that someone with anorexia's brain literally interprets food as a threat. They're not trying to get attention or make themselves sick, they truly can't eat. I'm not a doctor so I am not able to explain this very well, but I will include some resources at the bottom of this post and I hope anyone who is unfamiliar with eating disorders will take the time to educate themselves.*** Additionally, anorexia and bulimia aren't the only kinds of eating disorders. An eating disorder is characterized as any abnormality in eating habits, so while I was never diagnosed with the mental health aspect of an eating disorder, my weight loss was caused by a change in eating habits and ultimately diagnosed as something called "Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified." It took me a long time to be accepting of this diagnosis, but now I understand that it's not something to be ashamed of. No eating disorder, whether caused by a mental illness or an seemingly harmless Lenten resolution, is the patient's fault. More on this in another blog post, but Ashley and I talk frequently about how we feel like nearly everybody has an eating disorder in some way, and we could all work towards a freer, healthier relationship with food.
But I digress. Back to my story, on the one hand, I thought my mom was overreacting. I had only lost a few pounds, and I would never let it get to the point that I needed actual medical attention. On the other hand, her warnings freaked me out. I didn't even know that somebody could be hospitalized for being underweight. I agreed that we needed to come up with a plan to help me gain weight. That night, we sat down at the computer, looking at what I normally ate in a day and entering values into an online calorie calculator to figure out how much I needed to eat. We estimated I was eating enough to maintain my weight, but barely. If I could add three or four hundred calories a day, I'd be back to normal in a matter of weeks. We then listed out some ideas of higher-calorie foods I could eat, which I promptly added to my miles-long grocery list I was preparing for the start of school, and with that, I was ready to gain weight.
*The names of people and places have been changed for privacy purposes.
**As much as possible, I am going to avoid giving specific numbers around weight and calories, as I know this can be triggering for some people.
***Recommended Resources on Eating Disorders:
National Eating Disorders Association, Find Help and Support: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support
What Are Eating Disorders: https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/conditions/eating-disorders
The Genetics of Eating Disorders: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010958/
Health Consequences of Eating Disorders: https://www.chapman.edu/students/health-and-safety/psychological-counseling/_files/eating-disorder-files/4-hlth-cons.pdf
Health At Every Size: https://asdah.org/health-at-every-size-haes-approach/
Eating Disorders Resource Catalogue: https://www.edcatalogue.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/catalog2018-compressedwlinks.pdf
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