I wrote this post before I moved back to school, but I never posted it, so please excuse that some of it might be out of date :)
I was going to write a post today about why everyone deserves self-care. I feel like it has become commonplace in our society for workaholics like me to convince themselves that somehow they have to "earn" to rest or destress or what have you, or that they don't need it as much as the next person. An hour ago my eyes were hurting so bad from looking at the computer all day, I really wanted to just take a break. But even the thought of stepping away from my work for a minute made me feel insanely guilty. I knew Ashley was working, and I would be nothing but a huge slacker if I let her keep working while I rested. The logical part of my brain tried to remind me that I worked for four hours yesterday before she even woke up and probably another two after she called it a night, so it wouldn't be betraying her to take thirty minutes to not be productive. But then I immediately start reasoning with myself that she is sick, she has an autoimmune disease and I don't. Therefore, it's completely justified for her to take as much time as she needs to rest but I don't have any reason to.
This thought frustrated me, because to be honest, I know I probably get twice as much done as she does in an average week. That's not to say that she doesn't work extremely hard or pull her weight on the things we do together, because she absolutely does. There are good reasons why I tend to get more work done. For one thing, I can't sleep, whereas all of her medical problems make her exhausted all the time. She's also constantly driving around between doctor's appointments, and she has a habit of stopping for a quick errand while she's out and getting lost for hours. And finally, I am for the most part a very productive worker (I still DEFINITELY have my times where simple things take me hours and hours to get done, though I know Ashley and my mom don't believe that that's true). If you've listened to our podcast, I'm sure you have heard Ashley talk about her curse that it always takes her forever to get things done. So, I don't know why it makes me feel so guilty to take a break. I logically don't think Ashley is going to be sitting there stewing thinking I'm being unfair, or that my family or roommates or whoever sees me not working is judging me. Nevertheless, I still always come up with a reason why I need to keep being productive.
But Aspen, you're probably thinking, you've already written about how you are a compulsive workaholic. Do we really have to read about it again?
No, no. Don't worry your little minds, that's the end of my tangent about my constant need to be productive. As I said earlier, I came on here to write about why everyone should feel like they're allowed to take care of themselves. But the reason I decided to write a blog post right now was because I could not stand to continue working on what I was doing but felt like I needed to keep myself busy. So then I got to thinking how incredibly hypocritical it would be for me to tell all of you to allow yourself relaxation but not practice what I preach.
Okay, first of all, I just want to make it clear that I'm not throwing a pity party for myself, and I don't intend to make it sound like I never take care of myself. I just have noticed that I tend to dish out a lot of advice to others and then not follow it.
So here's the thing. I started a blog because I love to write, and I have learned as I've gotten older and had the fortune of getting to know and talk to more and more people that we've all had a lot of similar experiences. It brings me great comfort to learn that things I struggle with that I think are just me are actually common. I thought that through writing real-time about my crazy life, I could help you all feel like you are not alone or offer some hope. But there is a fine line between sharing your experiences and faking your experiences. I talked about in one of our podcast episodes a while back how I hate self-help culture because I think it makes people feel bad about themselves. (Side note: sorry I keep referencing the podcast, but there's apparently a lot of good stuff in there, so if you haven't listened yet go do that!) There's so much content online of people preaching positivity and gratitude and finding joy and making peace with oneself, and they make it all seem so easy. I realized that if I come on here and tell you all that you need to accept that you don't have to "earn" taking care of yourself, but then I can't go for a thirty minute walk without feeling like I need to turn around and sprint home so that I can get something accomplished, I'm just adding to the problem. Then, you might be sitting there reading my blog post and thinking, "What's wrong with me? I understand what she's saying, why can't I just do it?"
I feel some pressure to have some element of positivity or inspiration in all of my blog posts. No one wants to spend ten minutes reading paragraph after paragraph of complaining. And I don't want to just sit around and be negative, because I have a truly wonderful life. In the grand scheme of things, I can't even believe what incredible blessings and opportunities I have had. My problems are certainly what Ashley and I call "first-world problems." But the truth is, that doesn't make them any less real to me. So be warned, I'm not going to be inspirational today. I just want to tell you that if you're the kind of person who hears about all of the things you should be doing to take better care of yourself but doesn't do them, you're not alone.
To be honest, I feel squeamish even writing this right now. The whole idea of "taking care of myself" sounds extremely selfish and conceded. It shouldn't, so if it doesn't to you this is NOT to make you feel guilty, it's the opposite. I have great admiration for you. I know that as human beings we have to meet our needs. I tell other people that ALL the time. So why can't I treat myself the way I want other people to treat themselves.
For example, my mom hardly ever sleeps. She is up late into the night working, and gets up the minute our dog Pumpkin decides he's ready to be walked. When my parents have an event, she sleeps even less. She's the kind of person who frequently pulls all-nighters on special occasions to make sure that gifts are wrapped or decorations are hung, because sometimes owning your own business doesn't give you daylight to do those things. I tell her almost on a daily basis that she should get more sleep. It makes me feel so bad for her every time I hear her still awake long past dusk.
But almost every day of camp this summer, I wasn't going to bed until at least 1, and setting my alarm for 6:45 or 7. Even though I think I was probably getting more sleep than my mom usually does, you're supposed to get seven to nine hours of sleep a night and I rarely got more than six. Wrangling kids and dancing all day takes a lot out of you, and even though I powered through, I majorly felt the effects the moment camp was over (and there may have been a few days during the season where I cried the whole car ride between camp and our evening classes or on the way to costume shopping because I didn't know how I was going to survive the rest of the day). I didn't need to stay up so late every night, I was often working on things that didn't need to be done right then or way over-thinking simple tasks because I never felt like I'd done enough that day.
That's just one example. I know I tell people to do things for themselves all the time and then think to myself, "Huh. Why don't I do that?" I tell Ashley she should buy the brands she likes from the store because it's worth a few extra cents, but then I always buy the off-brand because I feel bad about spending money. I teach the Stagebugz kids techniques for staying confident in themselves when they're overwhelmed or having trouble remembering lines, but then when I forget a line on set I feel like I ruined the entire shoot day. So, all this to say, I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite. If I give you advice or tell you to do something to take care of yourself, you probably should do it, but if you are beating yourself up because you can't, know that I'm most likely not either. And there's a pretty good chance that all of the perfect people you see all over social media and the internet who are preaching self-help aren't doing all of those things either. All any of us can do is our best, so I guess I'll leave you with that. Do your best to take care of yourself today. I promise I will too.