Way more often than I should, I come to the firm belief that the universe is against me. I'm sure we've all had those moments where it seems like everything is going wrong for us, while life just works out for everyone else. It's especially difficult when you have an identical twin, and their fortune often seems to directly line up with your misfortune. Sure, maybe life isn't fair, but maybe the universe is just out to get me. And by the universe, I'm not specifically talking about God or another higher power, I am talking about those moments when it feels like literally every person and everything in existence is trying to ruin your life.
The truth that I try to remind myself, and the reason I am writing this, is that the universe probably doesn't actually care that much about me or you. There are 8 billion people in the world, and I don't want to say that you or I don't matter, because we do, but we just don't matter that much that the entire world is out to get us. Our luck or lack thereof is truly just that: luck.
If you're not as melodramatic as me and don't know the feeling I'm talking about, I'll share the most recent story of when I ended up in tears swearing that the universe hates me.
I signed a lease for an off-campus apartment back in April for the coming school year. Getting on-campus housing at USC when you're not a freshman is extraordinarily difficult, so I knew my chances as a senior were next to none. The apartment I chose doesn't have great reviews from the people I know who have lived there, but it's close enough to campus that I can walk back when I have long breaks between classes and was among the more affordable options. Still, monthly rent is much more than I was paying living on-campus (which wasn't cheap), and I had to sign a year-long lease, which means I was already stressed about my sky-high housing costs for the semester.
Meanwhile, Ashley was trying to get a disability accommodation to live on campus. With all of her health issues, she wasn't sure she would even be able to go back to school unless she was living on campus, otherwise it would be too difficult to get to and from classes. Even after getting approved for an accommodation, though, we knew she was still at the very bottom of the priority list. Every time she talked to housing or disability services, they would remind her that they couldn't guarantee a spot on campus. If she did get a place it would be whatever they had leftover at the end of the assignment period, which would most likely mean living in a freshman dorm.
By July, Ashley still had no verdict from housing. Every time she called they'd say they hoped to have something for her soon, but soon never seemed to come. Finally, they gave her a date, telling her she should hear from them by Friday. When Friday came, our family's questioning if she'd gotten anything from housing was met with a dejected "Nope."
But then Monday came, and Ashley noticed she had an email reminder from USC to confirm her housing. The way the housing at USC works is if you don't confirm within 72 hours, they assign the space to the next person on the waitlist. It turned out that she had gotten an email from USC housing on Friday with her assignment, but she was expecting a phone call so never checked her email. Already relieved that she had gotten a space, she logged into the portal and found out she'd be living in one of the newest apartment buildings (arguably the most desirable place to live and a far cry from a freshman dorm). Our whole family was equally excited and relieved for her.
She went through the beginning of the confirmation process, but once she got to the deposit, decided suddenly that she needed more time to think about it. She couldn't find the deadline of when she had to confirm by, so she assumed there wasn't one. The next day, she got a notification that her housing had been cancelled because she didn't confirm in time. It was late evening by the time she saw this, but I told her to call the office right away just in case. Of course they didn't answer, but she left a voicemail begging for help.
I think I might have been more stressed out than she was that night. She had been waiting forever for that spot, and at this point off-campus options were severely limited. I wanted to cry pretty much all night for her. I also a little bit wanted to smack her for not just finishing the process; we had been through the housing lottery system before so she logically knew there was a deadline, but I understood she was anxious about the fee.
And then, the next morning, she was supposed to call the housing office again to plead her case. We were in the middle of camp when they opened, so I did my best to make sure she could step out as early as possible, but one of the kids was having a problem so she couldn't leave me alone until 10 or 15 minutes after the office opened. Before she even had a chance to call, though, she saw she had a voicemail. Someone from housing had called her back and told her they reinstated her assignment and she could go back into the portal and confirm it. We were both super nervous about what was going to happen, so this was a huge relief!
So how does this story have anything to do with the universe hating me? Because the very next day, I got an email from the apartment building I'm living in with my room assignment, with the wonderful (I'm being sarcastic) news that I would be living on a premium floor which means a huge sum additional in rent. When you signed the lease, you had no choice but to sign an addendum that you could be assigned to a premium floorplan without your consent and have to pay extra. But this was the building I had wanted to live in the previous year, and backed out after calling to inquire about the floor plan addendum and finding out that the "premium rooms" were all they had left. So this year, I called multiple times to confirm they had rooms available at the lower rate. Just days before I got the email, I'd gotten my financial aid package for the semester. It was so bad that I'd already made the difficult decision to drop one of my minors so that I could graduate a semester early, and now I was still going to be paying tons more for a premium room that I didn't want.
I immediately called my mom, crying about how the universe hates me and wants me to have a terrible year. My college experience has not been anywhere close to what I'd imagined, and all I wanted was for this year to be somewhat normal. No pandemics or hospital stays or online classes or life-threatening illnesses, I just wanted to experience college the way it was supposed to be. But at this point, I was feeling more stressed than excited about going back to school, and as the cost kept climbing and climbing, it was seeming less and less worth it.
Part of the financial aid I did get was work study, and I thought I had two promising prospects, but both fell through within the matter same day this week. Once again, nothing was going my way.
Like I said before, I can be a little bit melodramatic, and I also have to say that I was already having a supremely awful day, so my reaction to a higher rent was probably much more drastic than it needed to be. Nevertheless, I didn't understand how everything could have worked out so perfectly for my sister and be falling apart for me. My only explanation was that the world was against me.
But deep down, I knew that wasn't true. Every time I am feeling that way, I have to ground myself by remembering that the world doesn't revolve around me. It's actually kind of conceited to think that way; everything isn't always about me. Things just happen, and sometimes I am going to have good luck and sometimes I am going to have bad luck.
But enough with the tough love. Where the truth comes in, and hopefully some comfort, is that I DO believe that everything happens for a reason. The universe might not be against me, but I believe in God and I believe that He does care about me. I'm only one of His 8 billion priorities, but I believe that I can trust Him when things aren't going my way. I'm not saying you have to believe in God, even if you don't I still think everyone should have faith that things happen for a reason.
Almost every bad thing that has happened to me, I can attribute a factor of positivity to. Not everything, but I think eventually I'll understand why even the worst things have happened. As an example, when I was not able to go back to school in the spring of 2023, I thought my life was completely ruined. I had no idea what I was going to do, my plans were thrown way off course and all my hopes and dreams for the future were kaput. But now, I think not going back was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. The past several months have been incredibly fulfilling. It's given me time to really dedicate myself to things I am passionate about. Ashley and I have grown Stagebugz exponentially this year, started our podcast and this blog, wrote a book, and are filming our dream project right now. I don't want to say none of this would have been possible if I'd gone back to school, but I've been at least as busy as when I'm at school most days, so I don't see how I'd possibly have had time to do most of these things. And this is just one major example, there's been lots of little things throughout my life that I know happened for a reason.
I don't know why I got assigned to a premium floorplan or why I can't find a work study job right now, but I'm sure that I will one day. Maybe I'll have great roommates or will find the perfect job that I'll be much happier in than either of the other options. I think there should always be room to feel your feelings, but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do about bad luck besides try to be optimistic about it. So I hope if you're having one of those days where it seems like everyone and everything hates you, you can allow yourself to be upset, but then try your best to believe that the world can't have a vendetta against a single person, and take comfort in the idea that everything will work out for the best.
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