I don't have a lot of time to write this, so I'll try not to make it very long (famous last words)! But I haven't written on here in a really long time, and this topic has been on my mind lately, so I decided there was nothing better to do at 11:50 on a Saturday night than start a blog post!
So here's the thing. My whole life, but especially lately, I feel like I'm physically incapable of relaxing. This week Ashley and I have been non-stop on the go with Stagebugz camps during the day, a film class we're teaching in the evenings, keeping up with our podcast and blog, and preparing to shoot a pilot episode of our dream crime series in July. Many of the things I love to do, like acting and finishing our book, have completely gone out the window these last few weeks. Not to mention, I am doing a terrible job keeping up with daily to-dos; I had a pile of unopened birthday cards on my dresser since Monday that I just finally went through this evening. I love everything that I'm working on with all of my heart, but I am exhausted. Like can't think straight, the worst headache I've ever had in my life, feeling like either crying or screaming every time someone talks to me tired. This morning I was out costume shopping for an upcoming performance at Stagebugz, and it drained me so much I wasn't sure how I was going to make it home. Tonight I met up with some family for ice cream since we weren't able to see them for mine or my dad's birthdays, and I was falling asleep at the table.
But somehow, I can't rest. All day I kept thinking I needed to lay down for 30 minutes, or needed to not be looking at a computer for a while, or needed to sit down, but another to-do list item would always get in the way. Whenever I'd be about to take a break, I'd start thinking about how little time I'm going to have any other day to get things done, so I need to keep working on them now. I am constantly thinking about that I need to get ahead now because of how busy and tired I'm going to be later, but when later comes I'm always certain I'll be even more busy and even more tired the next day. The logical part of me knows that I can't wait until I have zero things to do to take a break, but the part of me that decides what I'm going to do next doesn't want to listen.
And here's the other thing: Like I said, I absolutely love pretty much everything I'm doing. So when I'm trying to relax, I can't. My mind is always spinning with what the next project should be or what better thing I could be doing. When I have a break, I have to find something to fill it with. A week with no Stagebugz camps? Let's film a crime drama! An afternoon with no plans? Might as well bake something but make sure there's at least one thing each person in the house likes, and while you're at it try to use all the ingredients that are going bad, so suddenly you've been in the kitchen for eight hours. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself when I don't have a to-do list. I'm not complaining, because I feel extremely fulfilled getting to do so many things that I love every single day. It's just curious to me, because I have this idea in my head that someday I will magically be less busy. I'm always thinking, "Next week is going to be even busier than this week so I need to get ahead. But once xyz is over I'll have more time, I'll be less tired, etc..." But then when I think about it realistically, there's always something else. I love doing Stagebugz pretty much more than anything in the world, but it feels like when we're right in the middle of camps I am barely able to work on anything else. I keep thinking as soon as camps are over, my schedule is somehow going to magically clear up. Except that's not true, because then I'll be headed back to school. So I guess my point is, I really just wonder if I will ever learn how to be better at relaxing, and why I seem so unable to tolerate not working. I certainly don't want to be the kind of person who's always working and never there for their family and friends, so I hope I will eventually find a cure for my workaholism!
Anyway, I know this isn't a very long post, but as I said I'm very tired so it's taken me an hour to write! So I'm going to go do something else now, but I hope if you're a struggling workaholic like me this at least gives you some comfort that you're not alone (and if you're not a workaholic, some insight into why some of us are so neurotic sometimes)!
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